Synopsis: A sudden and powerful romance blossoms between Elio and Oliver on the Italian Riviera. Each is unprepared for the consequences of their attention, when, during the restless summer weeks, unrelenting currents of obsession, fascination, and desire intensify their passion and test the charged ground between them. recklessly, the two verge toward the one thing both fear they may never truly find again: total intimacy.
Andre Aciman brings the reader on a slow paced journey of two lovers. While I must admit I was not invested in the book and even less so in the movie – there were sporadic gems of wisdom hidden among the pages. As I have recently delved into the philosophy of love and sexuality, I want to focus on such. The quote that will be the foundation for this post is: “it told me things about him I never knew to ask.”
Getting to know the ones we deem most important in our lives is a task that is never complete. As we are ever evolving beings, we constantly shed aspects of ourselves in order to begin anew. Such transformation can be done intentionally or unintentionally. But what is more relevant is how we get to know and reacquaint ourselves with our loved ones. Upon passively examining the question, one might conclude that we ask our loved ones questions and inquire into their lives. However, while this is part of getting to know someone – I don’t think such process encompasses the complete means.
The most notable gap in asking our loved ones intimate questions is either their lack of self-reflection and/or unwillingness to divulge said information. Regarding the prior, in the modern day, self-reflection is often lacking. We are so consumed with the thoughts of others or other worldly matters, that self-reflection often gets deemed unimportant. However, without the necessary self-reflection one is only able to marginally ascertain who they truly are. And if one is not able to articulate to themselves who they are, how are they then so equipped to articulate to others who they might be. Elio says to Oliver “is there anything you don’t know?” Oliver responds, “if you only knew how little I know about the things that actually matter.” Here, I think Aciman perfectly captures the current obsession with the materialistic world and external knowledge.
Regarding the latter, Aciman builds the entire plot based on the unwillingness of both characters to share their true feelings with one another. Rather, they engage in subtle gestures and vague responses to communicate their feelings. Just one example of this unspoken love is when Oliver tries to massage Elio’s shoulders early in book. Later when Elio asks Oliver “why didn’t you give me a sign,” Oliver reveals that is exactly what he was doing when he tried to massage Elio’s shoulders. Elio then says “God, we wasted so many days.” This undertone throughout the books lends itself as evidence that we often don’t wish to explicitly express every part of ourselves to another. No matter the intimacy of the relationship, we still choose to either only give subtle inklings of our inner thoughts or keep them solely to ourselves.
Of course then, how do learn things we never thought to ask? Quite simply, it is by sharing moments, glances, and our lives with the ones we love that we learn such answers. One cannot hope to think of every question imaginable ask their loved one and even if that were possible, the answer is always subject to change as we evolve. Moreover, as we let our defenses down around those that we love, we answer questions more quickly or act without such reserve that the other gets an opportunity to learn who we truly are. From personal experience alone, there were moments that glances between me and another told me everything that words along would have failed to capture. Such is the nature of a complex being. Lastly, if we did know all the questions to ask, there is always the possibility that the answer we receive is not the true answer. Here, in its appropriate context, the saying “actions speak louder than words” is quite apt.
— Your Truly,
Michael A. Westbrook
Ivory Tower 